crossing boundaries

i have a tendancy to state the obvious. within these statements, however, i intend much more complexity. i have been realizing more and more that these complexities are not getting across due to the obvious nature of these statements. basically, i’m not much of a verbal communicator and people are generally not mind-readers. how much i would like this to change!
to my disadvantage, it seems that the only way to overcome this communication barrier is… practice. for so long i have taken the role as quiet observer, content in the attempt to understand humankind from a objective perspective. through a lifelong practice of non-judgement i have developed unfaltering love, acceptance, awe and compassion for all people! yet i sense a feeling of apprehension in many of my interactions and it is undoubtedly due to this fence i have created as the observer. i am in turn observed as being spacey and detached, disinterested, and even dumb among other things. i have tried not to allow this to bother me, pushing it aside, distracted by my interest in the strange, beautiful and ever-changing life around me. one of these days i mean to break this barrier, i tell myself, whenever the thought arises. it’s just not the right time. there’s too much beauty to observe. too much work, too much to paint. excuse after excuse. to be truthful, i am simply, unjustifiably AFRAID. afraid for my ego. afraid to make a fool of myself, afraid to try hard enough to get grasp the words explaining my thoughts and feelings. these are important! there are so many good intentions! all withheld from these people i supposedly love so much, purely for my own comfort. while i hear myself state it in my head, it is easily justified and set aside for a later date. writing this down, i etch it more deeply into my heart and soul. CONNECT. TRY HARDER. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY!
today this haunt was reinforced by an old friend, who i met up with this afternoon for an unplanned lunch date. we had not seen each other in almost 5 years, and i was honestly nervous to make the re-connection, almost to the point of passing up the opportunity. but i cannot let my weaknesses define me, and who knows why i thought it would be so scary in the first place? the date was fun and relaxed, and i was incredibly happy to be in his presence again. we discussed our lives, our loves, our feelings on travel and people and art. he spoke about a recent, solo trip to europe, and how he wished he had been able to share the experience with another person. we discussed our shared, unnecessary fears of meeting people and the nervousness we feel before hanging out with them. and he pushed me to break out of my element to find true happiness in the beauty of shared experiences, rather than solely observing others’ shared happiness from a distance.
i hope to pursue this as my next creative endeavor. perhaps a series of writings and paintings based on discussions and experiences with friends and strangers. wish me luck! if successful, this could truly change my life and i hope the lives of others in a positive way!
may you, too, realize the possible barriers holding you back from true happiness, and conquer your fears!